What Your Wife Doesn’t Know…

A Men-Only Monday Post

What your wife doesn’t know might be hurting her more than you realize.

There’s a well-known idiom, “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” It’s used by some husbands to rationalize hiding certain things from their wives. That’s a really bad idea and a certain formula for destroying trust in your marriage, but that’s not what this post is about.

What I’m talking with you about today are some very important things you assume she knows but that she probably doesn’t. 

You Love Her

How could your wife possibly not know you love her when you just told her this morning? Truthfully, I don’t know how, but I’m pretty sure it’s true. And even if somewhere inside she knows you love her, she still wants to hear it. Every day. Multiple times per day.

And she wants you to do more than say it; she wants you to show it. Every single day.

The good news is that even the smallest gestures of love and thoughtfulness will amplify your words of affection a thousand times in her heart. But to consistently convey simple acts of love requires that you be intentional about it. When was the last time you did something on purpose for no other reason than to let your wife know how much she means to you?

Of course, you first have to learn what speaks love to your wife. Most wives will respond positively to things like a loving text or note, a random phone call just to see how she is, or a small gift that tells her you were thinking about her.  Even something as simple as a meaningful conversation where she has your full attention and engagement shows her that your connection (and therefore she) is important to you. Find out what most says “I love you” to your wife and do those things consistently.

You Think She is Beautiful

Even if you see no reason why it could be, I’m 99.9% sure your wife has body image issues. It’s practically universal.

Almost everything your wife hears and sees on a daily basis shouts at that she isn’t good enough, and she is more than willing to believe it. Yours is the lone voice to advocate for her beauty. And yours is the most important voice – the one that will mean the most to her.

Maybe you feel like you already tell her often how attractive she is. It’s not enough. Maybe you are tired of her continual deflection and denial of your compliments. It doesn’t matter how she responds, keep telling her anyway. Maybe you aren’t happy about the baby weight, the way she fixes her hair or the clothes she wears. Get over yourself and tell her all the things you love about her appearance.

Many years ago I made a commitment to myself to pay my wife a specific compliment on her appearance every day. I’m not perfect at it, but I challenge you to make the same commitment yourself. It’s that important.

See also, 7 Ways to Help Your Wife Feel Beautiful and Your Wife is In A Body Image Battle.

You Would Still Choose Her

This one is closely related to the first two, but it warrants specific attention on your part. Even if your wife knows you love her and believes you find her beautiful, she still wants to know that you would choose her all over again.

Expressions like, “I’m so glad I married you,” or “I’m so lucky that you are mine” will help alleviate her fears that you’d rather have someone else. But as with expressions of love, as important as they are, words alone may not do the trick.

Regardless of how long you’ve been married, and maybe especially if you’ve been married a long time, it’s important to make your wife feel pursued. Plan dates. Ask her out for a spontaneous coffee or dessert. Give her lots of non-sexual touch (holding hands, sitting close, etc.). Get a couple’s massage. Pay attention to your physical appearance and cleanliness. Wear what she likes. Use the cologne she prefers. Once in awhile plan a surprise getaway.

By the way, you’ll find an entire chapter on pursuit in my book, Pump Up the Passion. Pursuit is just one of the five “habits” that are key to building and sustaining the passion in your marriage. The book is on sale right now in my web store for just $3.97 (more than half off the normal price of $8.99 – only while supplies last).

Your Work Life

A solid month of work travel ended with a trade show in Las Vegas, so I decided to bring Jenni out to join me there. It was great to have this time together after being apart for so long, but something happened there that reminded me of the importance of letting my wife in on my work life.

On several occasions during our time in Vegas I was recognized by senior management for my important contributions to the new product we were launching at the show. Jenni was proud of me a happy that she was there to see me get the accolades. But she was also surprised to learn of my key contributions and of the great respect I was shown by management. You see, I hadn’t done a great job of keeping her in the loop of all I was doing at work.

It may not seem important to you, but be sure to let your wife know about your work life, the good and even the not so good. For intimacy to thrive in your marriage, you have to be fully known, and that includes your work life.

Your Spiritual Life

Many husbands don’t feel up to the task of leading their families spiritually. Some feel their faith is dwarfed by their seemingly much more spiritual wives.

Your wife wants to hear what’s happening with you spiritually, not, as you might fear, so she can judge you, but so she can know you. Spiritual intimacy is an important component of the overall intimacy in your marriage, and without it, there will be a ceiling on the level of intimacy and connection you share with your wife.

Even if you don’t feel “qualified” to talk deeply about spiritual matters, just get real and share about where you are, about what you feel God is saying and doing in your life. Ask your wife to pray for you about things that are on your heart. For other tips on leading your family spiritually, see my post, Three Simple Ways to Lead Your Wife Spiritually.

And for more ways to build lasting intimacy into your marriage, get my book, The Path of Intimacy. I’m offering the paperback of this Amazon Kindle bestseller in my webstore for just $3.97 (normally $8.99). Only while supplies last!