Sustaining passion in marriage over the long haul can seem like an elusive dream, but it doesn’t have to be.
It doesn’t matter if you are newly married or 50 years in. It doesn’t matter if you are looking to revive the passion in your relationship or just wanting to keep things as vibrant and exciting as they are. I want to encourage you that it is entirely possible to take the passion in your marriage to new heights and to keep it there.
This is such an important notion to me that I wrote a book with one purpose in mind: to help couples build and sustain passion in their marriage.
Passion’s Internal Flame
The passion in a marriage dies for one reason: we let it. And the corollary is that passion is sustained for one reason: we choose to keep it alive.
As I explain in my new book, Pump Up the Passion, filling your marriage with the passion you desire is more about how you think than what you do. It’s not about planning romantic dates or stirring things up in the bedroom, as great as those things are.
Passion is about what’s burning inside of you. And ultimately, how you think (about your spouse and your marriage) is up to you.
I get it that real life crashes in on your relationship and begins to distract you and wear you down. Job stress, financial pressure, the demands of kids and parents alike can slowly drain the passion from your marriage, bit by bit. The hurts and frustrations that accumulate over time are like pouring cold water on the embers of your passion. Someday, you think, someday we’ll have the time and energy to focus on us, but right now there is just too much else to worry about. You keep waiting for life to get calmer or easier, but it doesn’t. You keep waiting for someday, but someday never seems to come.
It’s always a good time to work on your marriage.
The Twin Altars of Comfort and Routine
The pressures of life notwithstanding, passion often dies on the twin altars of comfort and routine.
We all tend to be comfort-seeking by nature. We like to think we can control life and our spouse to keep everything within our comfort zone. Comfort implies safety and security. When we are comfortable, it seems like nothing is at risk. Except it is.
Our desire for comfort and control can lead to us becoming trapped inside the narrow walls of our routines. Our brains are actually designed to seek routine, to “chunk” together common tasks in order to reduce the load on our brains. The danger is that when we engage the auto-pilot in a relationship, passion gets choked out.
Putting the passion back in your marriage usually requires stepping out of your comfort zone and breaking free from routines that have become ingrained.
Own Your Passion
If you are in a less-than-passion-filled marriage, it’s easy to blame your husband or wife. But in truth, passion is your job.
Passion is defined primarily by what is going on in your heart and mind, and you need to own that.
Even if you are happy with the level of passion in your relationship but just want to make sure it doesn’t wane, don’t focus on your spouse’s responsibilities in keeping the excitement alive. No, focus on your part. Your part is the only part you can control.
Of course, difficulties and stress in your marriage and life will want to drain away the joy and intensity from your relationship, but ultimately keeping the fire burning in your heart comes down to how you choose to think and act in the face of these difficulties.
Don’t Buy the Lie
There is one misconception about marriage that I wish more than any other I could permanently put to rest; that is the belief that marriages inevitably decline. This lie, combined with the false 50% divorce rate statistic serves to dishearten many couples into accepting that a mediocre marriage as the best they can hope for.
It doesn’t have to be that way! There is HOPE!
An intensely passionate marriage is not some vague distant wish. I believe there are embers of romance, excitement, and desire that lay just beneath the surface of your relationship, waiting to be fanned into flame, regardless of your current circumstances or your past history.
In Pump Up the Passion I explain how to restore and sustain passion by infusing your marriage with 5 key passion-building habits. I examine each habit in detail, explaining its importance and relevance to passion and giving specific, practical ideas for developing the habit.
In addition to the 5 habits, I describe how to develop a passionate mindset and how to radically transform how you think about your marriage and your spouse. You’ll learn how to move from a mindset of “have to” to a mindset of “get to” and finally to a mindset of “want to.”
Right now I’m offering a special introductory sale price on both the Kindle ($2.99) and paperback ($7.99) versions of the book. These prices won’t last, so be sure to get your copy today!
P.S. In celebration of this being the second book in the Igniting Intimacy Series, I’m offering Book 1 at the same low prices. So, while you are shopping for Pump Up the Passion, get The Path of Intimacy in Kindle (2.99) and paperback ($7.99) too!