Sex in marriage is meant to be more about your surrender than about your satisfaction.
I’ve wanted to write on today’s topic for several weeks now, but my crazy travel schedule is keeping me from writing much at all these days. Fortunately, or unfortunately, a rainy Saturday in Germany has me stuck in a hotel room with a little time to write.
I’ll preface this post by admitting that I am speaking to the majority case – to the typical situation where a husband has the higher sex drive and wants and needs sex in order to feel emotionally connected to his wife, and where correspondingly, a wife needs emotional connection in order to make way for sexual intimacy. I understand that this is not the case in 100% of marriages.
I don’t pretend to know what was in God’s mind when he wired men and women to work so differently when it comes to sex, but I have a theory. My theory goes something like this:
Marriage is meant to be more about your surrender than about your satisfaction
Bottom line: it’s not just about you and your needs! It’s about two being one and discovering the joy of mutual surrender.
The Journey into Enjoying Your Oneness
It’s clear from what the Bible says about marriage that a husband and wife become one when they wed. It works the same way as when we become one with Christ when we choose to become believers in Jesus. This is part of the “great mystery” that Paul talks about in Ephesians.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
Learning to enjoy the fruit of our oneness is a process, a journey, just as we discover more about what it means to be one with Christ through our spiritual walk. Marriage is a journey into deeper intimacy – a lifelong journey that includes the spiritual, emotional and sexual dimension of our lives.
It’s important, however, to understand that oneness is NOT sameness. Men and women are different by design. Being one is not about hiding your true self or about conforming yourself to your spouse. Oneness is not about giving up your identity. Instead, oneness is about each of you bringing the fullness of who you are to your marriage, and choosing to apply yourself (spirit, soul and body) for the benefit of your marriage and the delight of your spouse. This is what I mean by a Surrendered Marriage.
The Ultimate Intimacy
So what does surrender in marriage actually look like, and how do I take this journey to surrender? How do I surrender to my spouse without losing myself? How does surrender move our marriage toward the goal of two becoming one? If I focus on surrender to my spouse instead of my own satisfaction, won’t I end up disappointed and dissatisfied in my marriage?
All good questions.
I’ll be using the next three posts to explore what surrender means using the context of your sexual relationship. Sexual surrender is only one aspect of a Surrendered Marriage, but a very important one, because sexual intimacy is the ultimate expression of oneness and the pinnacle of intimacy in marriage.
Stay tuned as I address husbands and wives separately in the next two posts and then address you as a couple in the third post.
The rest of the posts in this series are here: