There is no better way to experience date night oneness than through sexual intimacy.
This week I’m wrapping up my Date Night series with a post about the ultimate expression of marital intimacy. That’s right, we’re talking about date night sex.
The whole reason for this Date Night series is to encourage you to improve your date night habits so that ultimately your marriage will experience deeper intimacy. Regular, dedicated and focused one-on-one time is essential if you are going to grow closer together as a couple. (In case you haven’t gotten the message, see my post 12 Reason to Never Stop Dating Your Spouse that kicked off this series.)
Since closeness and connection are the goal of date-nights, there is no better way to experience this than through sexual intimacy. It’s the ultimate expression of marital oneness.
However, it is important to keep in mind that men and women tend to approach sexual intimacy from different perspectives. I have mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. In a post on his X-Y Blog for wives, Paul Byerly, aka The Generous Husband, says it this way:
For men sex communicates love and acceptance, while a lack of sex communicates the opposite. I realize this is not usually what women are communicating with sex and saying no, but it is what men feel. Even when you convince a man this is not what she means, he will still feel it. When a man feels a good sexual connection with his wife he starts to want other forms of intimacy. Not tolerate, want. The need was always there, but it is hard to hear over the much louder need for sexual intimacy.
Who Has Date Night Nooky?
Somewhat surprisingly, couples who took my Date Night Survey reported that sex was part of date night less than half the time. Here are the results by the numbers.
What the chart shows is that, for husbands, the less frequently the couple had dates, the lower percentage of those dates included sexual activity. For wives, the opposite was true: having fewer dates resulted in a higher percentage of those dates including sex. I’m not sure I understand the reason for this difference. Perhaps its just a statistical anomaly, but if you can explain that disconnect I’d love to hear your theory!
Be More Intentional
Of course, not every date needs to include sexual activity. However, I would suggest that you and your spouse be intentional about including physical intimacy much of the time. If it doesn’t work out as part of your date, go for it the next day (morning or evening). Connecting in this way puts an exclamation point on the intimacy you’ve experienced during your date.
For more on the importance of intentionally nurturing your sex life, see my post, Great Sex Is Not Natural.
Here are just a few tips on how you can make a sexual connection more likely.
For the low-drive spouse (typically but not always the wife), date-night nooky starts in your mind. Instead of dreading the possibility, embrace the idea of a deeply intimate connection with your spouse. Think of it as a way to bless him or her with the gift of your body. Keep in mind that your higher-drive spouse will certainly be aware of and disappointed by begrudgingly given “charity sex.”
Get your mind wrapped around the idea of giving yourself generously and enthusiastically, which will help body shift gears. Spend some time in advance of date night reminding yourself why you are attracted to your spouse. Purposefully think positive sexual thoughts to prepare yourself mentally for a wonderful encounter. You might even want to mention to your spouse how you are looking forward to making love in a text, note, or phone call. Or secretly make your own plans, which could be as simple as showing extra physical affection in less explicit ways (holding hands, putting your head in their lap, or kissing, etc.).
For the high-drive spouse (typically but not always the husband), focus your thoughts on the non-sexual connection you’ll be making with your spouse during the date. Don’t make the selfish mistake of thinking date night is simply a way to get sex! Your spouse will see through your motives and likely be offended.
For improving your connection during the date. focus on letting your spouse see into your heart and mind through meaningful conversation. Add romantic gestures like holding hands, affectionate eye contact, and kissing without any agenda other than to bless your spouse and make a deeper emotional connection with him or her.
I hope you’ve found the date night series helpful and an encouragement for you to make progress in this part of your marriage. What do you plan to differently in the future as a result of this series? Leave us a comment.
Check out all the other posts in this Date Night Series:
I’m very excited to launch my email subscription service “Romance 101” next month. I’m finalizing plans now and building out the membership portion of the website. It’s going to be chock full of romantic inspiration. For starters, every month we’ll be providing you with detailed plans for fun, enjoyable dates that also build intimacy and connection in your marriage. But there is so much more in store! Click on the button below to get more details.
While you are there, sign up for my special pre-launch email list, using the form at the bottom of the page. As a reward, you’ll receive a special early bird discount code before go-live. Plus, you’ll have a voice in shaping the service to best meet your needs.
It’s a win/win for both sides. Build a connection outside the bedroom and build a connection inside the bedroom. It rarely works well when you try to build one without the other.
Yes, absolutely a win-win!