Key truths for keeping passion alive
Why does passion often seem so elusive, especially in long-term marriages?
Too often, couples settle for a marriage in which the fires of passion have long-since grown cold. But you don’t have to live more like roommates than lovers. Here are some truths to help you rekindle the spark in your relationship.
#1 - Passion Doesn't Have to Fade
Sadly, many couples believe the lie of inevitable marital decline. It’s just what happens when you’ve been together this long, right?
Wrong!
Yes, brain chemicals shift through the course of a relationship. Those early, dopamine-filled days of heady excitement gradually yield to attachment and connection, when oxytocin and vasopressin tend to dominate.
The good news is that you don’t have to let nature take its course. There are specific actions you can take to keep passion alive, but it means switching off the auto-pilot and getting intentional about tending the fires of passion in your marriage.
#2 Passion Starts With How You Think
Here’s some more good news: passion is more about how you think than what you do. So if you are thinking, “I’m too busy for this,” or “The daily demands on me leave no room for passion,” then stop those thoughts now. Passion is as much about the atmosphere and attitudes in your marriage as it is about the actions.
Sure, eventually how you think will work its way into your words and actions, but 80% of the battle is in your mind. Thinking passionate thoughts and believing a passionate marriage is within your reach will put you well on the path toward attaining it.
#3 Passion Mostly Happens OUTSIDE the Bedroom
When you hear the word “passion” you might immediately think of having things steamy in the bedroom. But that’s only part of the equation.
The truth is that keeping things hot in bed comes from keeping things hot in the rest of your relationship. For passion to endure, it should be pervasive; it should show up in the entirety of your daily interactions.
#4 Passion is Contagious
If your first response to this post starts with, “But my spouse…,” then you are heading in the wrong direction.
You can only control you. Only you determine whether your thoughts, words, and actions move you toward or away from a more passionate marriage. Own it. Love extravagantly, with all the intensity and determination you can muster.
Your passion will be contagious!
Love your spouse extravagantly, with all the intensity and determination you can muster. Your passion will be contagious.
#5 Habits That Help
Michael Hyatt, famous leadership author, says that “Significant achievements are the result of ingrained habits over time.” If you want to achieve a passionate marriage, fill your relationship with the habits that foster passion.
In my book, Pump Up the Passion, I explain the 5 habits any couple can develop to help build and sustain the passion in their relationship.
- Play – have fun together, be spontaneous
- Pursue – go after your partner their way
- Praise – thankfulness shifts the atmosphere
- Pleasure – let sexual and non-sexual pleasures abound
- Prioritize – make room in your life for passion the thrive
Pump Up the Passion, 5 Habits to Move Your Marriage from Mundane to Marvelous, is the second book in my Igniting Intimacy series. The book explains in detail what passion is, why we lose it, and how to get it back and keep it. And it’s on sale right now in the HMM store.
You can also get the book on Kindle.
Don’t have time to read the book? I’ve just created a downloadable quick-reference guide that condenses the essentials from the book. Passion Pointers is now available in our web store. It includes dozens of practical pointers for pursuing the five habits plus a section called “Thinking Passionate Thoughts.”