Whether your marriage is doing great or struggling greatly, your best years are still ahead of you.
Regardless of the current state of your marriage, there is always more. More passion. More intimacy. More pleasure. More freedom. More trust. More of everything you are longing for in your relationship.
How do I know this? Because I know that marriage is supposed to model our relationship with Jesus, and that’s how it is with him. There is always more. In fact, I’ve found in my spiritual walk, the more I know, the closer I get to Him, the more I realize how much more there is to know and experience in God. There is no limit. It’s the same for your marriage.
35 Years and counting
Jenni and I celebrated 35 years of marriage this week, and we both still marvel at how it just keeps getting better. Of course, it doesn’t happen by default. We are intentional about our marriage and about loving each other well. The biggest part of keeping your marriage on The Path of Intimacy is being watchful – keeping yourself and your marriage off of autopilot.
Five years ago I was writing for YourTango in the now defunct Traditional Love section. I wrote a piece called “Why After 30 Years of Marriage The Best Is Yet to Come.” In it I said:
Are less sex, more fights, poorer communication and drifting apart really the inevitable? With a nod to the movie Date Night, is it really just a matter of time before couples settle for becoming just “excellent roommates?”
I say no!
Whether you have been together six months or six decades, it is possible to see your future as one filled with excitement, passion and great potential.
In the article, I go on to share five keys to keeping the best times in front of you. You can read them here.
It’s been five years since I wrote that article. It’s still true today, at the 35-year mark. And it will be true on our 40th and 50th anniversary because we plan on keeping it that way.
What’s Better?
You may be asking, “What could possibly be better after 35 years of marriage?” Well, let me tell you:
- Sex – yes I’ll put this one right out there. Although we are in our 50’s and there are a few physical challenges, our sexual relationship exceeds anything we had in those early years of our marriage. Don’t buy the lie of inevitable sexual decline. We have learned how to please each other, and we have learned what it means to be unselfish lovers. We see our sexual relationship for the privilege it is and relish in surrendering our bodies wholly to one another.
- Intimacy – I define intimacy as being fully known and yet completely loved. After 35 years we know each other inside and out, and still, we are purposeful about pursuing intimacy on a continual basis. And we have learned that grace is an invitation to intimacy with each other, whereas judgment creates separation.
- Selflessness – we know better now than ever that, because we are one, when either of us serves and blesses the other, we both win. We’ve pretty much banished score keeping from our marriage and have learned to delight in delighting each other as best we know how.
- Taking a long view – we have been through many seasons over our 35 years. We have weathered some tough times, and we’ve had plenty of joy and bliss along the way. I feel like we understand better now than ever that life will throw some garbage at you, but it will pass. And we know that any trial is best endured together. The closer we remain, the better we can weather the storms of life.
Above all else, it is the revelation of The Bridal Paradigm that keeps us moving forward in our marriage. The understanding of our marriage is continually being shaped by our understanding that our love is a direct reflection of our love relationship with Jesus. As we continually grow in the knowledge and love of the Lord, we continue to grow in the knowledge of and love for each other. It is a truly endless journey.
PS That’s me and Jenni in the photo above. Check out my about page if you ‘d like to read more about Our Love Story.
Happy anniversary! I love what you said here about marriage. We’ve also found that things are much better in many ways in our marriage now.
Thanks J – I definitely could have posted a longer list of things that are “better now than ever.”
Congratulations Scott & Jenni on 35 years! Thank you for sharing your inspiring message on how God designs marriages to grow as we age.
My wife and I celebrated our 40th anniversary last weekend. Though I accepted Jesus as a teen, for years I stuck my fingers in my ears and ignored what God was saying to me. I always knew He was there, but was too focused on my own selfish kingdom, not His. Unfortunately this robbed our marriage of all it could be. It was never bad, but we evolved into one of those ‘learning to peacefully exist’ couples you refer to. I became increasingly frustrated until God got my attention a year ago. I finally realized I needed to fix the ‘vertical axis’ (my connection with God) first so that horizontal relationships (with my spouse and others) could flourish. Fortunately my wonderful wife has always been patiently waiting for me. Until that point, our marriage lacked the intentional nature and God-centered focus you speak of that are necessary to make them great. Since surrendering myself and my marriage to Christ, there has been a dramatic change in our lives. This clearly has been the best year of our marriage and like you, we look forward to it growing even stronger as we age.
God designs each of us uniquely – and thus each marriage is unique. We are not called to be envious of or even emulate another’s marriage. Yet we can still identify with and be inspired by examples like yours. It bears witness to the glory of God for His amazing plan in all this. We agreed with so much of what you said in this post and thank you for sharing it. May God continue to bless both your marriage as well as your ministry to others!
Fred – Thanks so much for sharing your inspiring story! Proof that it’s never too late to focus on your marriage.